“With thanks to Writers’ HQ, our supreme writing commanders, glorious leaders and excellent but tiny overlords, who have verily granted us permission to use their splendid and sweary Privacy Policy.”

Wow has anyone ever read one of these?

We have to have one of these dealios to explain how we comply with the GDPR (General Data Protection Regulation), the DPA (Data Protection Act) and the PECR (Privacy and Electronic Communications Regulations) because God knows there’s not enough actual interesting things in the world to read, you need to read 1,000 words of legalese nonsense that makes literally not one bit of difference to anyone, ever.

Also we don’t really know what these things are. We’re a DIVE CENTRE and spend most of our time swimming with the fishes.

Short words (written by short people, modified by a tall one)

The best bit about the GDPR is that all this has to be “concise, transparent, intelligible and easily accessible” so hold on to your hats, mother lovers, this is going to be the shortest, clearest and best freakin’ privacy policy you ever did see.

So. Here we go…

Tl;dr

We’re a tiny, overstretched business and we don’t have the time or energy to do anything nefarious with your data. It’s not that we’re not evil – we’re as corruptible as anyone – we’re just too tired to think up a malevolent plot to steal your identity.

We collect and store the info “we have to by law” to provide you with the service you buy from us. We occasionally stalk you via Facebook adverts. That’s really it.

COOKIES
Seriously who actually cares? Do you even know what a cookie is or does? Well then. We may use cookies, I don’t know. We use WordPress to create this website, if it has cookies, then yes we have them. I have no idea what they are or where they are because we don’t want to know. If you don’t want our delicious home-baked chocolate chip scripts, then you need to block cookies on your browser but don’t come crying to us when nothing does what it’s supposed to.
STALKY VISITOR TRACKING

Look, we’re following you, ok? We use Google Analytics, primarily to stare at the real time stats because they’re cool but also to see what stuff people looking at so we can write more of the stuff you like.

We also have the Facebook Pixel installed so that we can sell you stuff, if we want to. Yes you heard it. We are a business and – shocker – we want you to spend money with us. The Facebook Pixel means that we can see how people interact with our site and with Facebook adverts and then we try to flog you relevant stuff. If you’ve not seen the Facebook Ads analytics dashboard MAN ALIVE it’s stalker central. That shit is a terrifying Black Mirror horror show. If you’re not on Facebook – well bloody done but the pixel is tracking you anyway.

Don’t know if there’s a specific Facebook Pixel blocking thing but we accidentally discovered that if you use Freedom app to block social media while you’re writing it also blocks the FB pixel. Handy hints!

None of these things store any super personal data about you but probably they nab your IP address, not that we’d know where to look for it or what to do with it. All we see is that a person or many people have interacted with the website in a particular way. You can mess with us by doing something totally unexpected on the website and skewing our stats. Or you could do something way more fun and useful with your time LIKE DIVING.

DATA STORAGE

DATA!! It’s all about the data, baby. A literal tonne of petabytes whirring around the world and what? What’s it all for? WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN? What will future historians actually see of us and our slowly collapsing society? So. We store your data in a few different places and use it in a couple of different ways. You ready for this?

Here on this website! If you buy stuff from us we will store your name, email address, postal address, phone number if you give it to us, and purchase history. Your payment details ARE NOT held on the site. We obviously go to the maximum effort to keep this data secure and only one person has access to it. Only that means only one of them ever actually looks at it and that’s to solve any technical problems you might have.

We’ll be honest: we do absolutely nothing unsurprising or radical with your info. We don’t even use your purchase history to target you with ads for stuff you might like. If you’ve done one of our dive courses, we’ll occasionally ask you if you want to do another course, we do have to keep you personal details locked away in a cabinet for 6 years. Does that make us EvilMegaCorp? Idk, it’s fairly standard isn’t it?

YOUR PAYMENT DETAILS
When you buy stuff, you will either pay here with cash or card, or through our website with PayPal. The only payment-based details we hold on our site is how much you’ve spent through PayPal. We have no bank or card details or nada here. PayPal is being totally weird about it but will have to be GDPR compliant or everyone in Europe will have to stop using it and probably they don’t want that.
EMAIL MARKETING THINGIES AND NEWSLETTERS

If you sign up to our newsletter, tough, we don’t have one. If you want to know what we are doing, stalk us on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter or one of those social media thingamabobs.

If you sign up for a scuba diving course, we will send you emails about the course. The frequency of which depends on the course. You can unsubscribe but you’ll miss important stuff about the course and probably fail.

The most important thing about this is we have neither the time nor inclination to actually look at or do anything with these stats.

YOUR RIGHT TO BE DELETED

FINE BUGGER OFF THEN WE DON’T CARE. If you want to go undercover, just chuck us an email at info@atlanticscuba.co.uk and we’ll delete all the info we have on you from our systems while having a passive aggressive huff about what we could have possibly done wrong.

This does not include PayPal. If you want to delete your PayPal account you have to do that yourself via PayPal. We cannot delete your purchase history because the taxman will be terribly upset.

Just so you know, though, you won’t be able to access our courses anymore. We’re not being dicks, it’s because we need your email address so we know you’ve paid and that you’re allowed to access it.

SOCIAL MEDIA AND ALL THAT BOLLOCKS

We use social media a lot, partly to promote our courses and retreats but mostly as a vehicle to show you how wonderful we are and what we get up to. If you talk to us in our Facebook group or pages, we become familiar with you, we might find you on Twitter and say hello. You can ask us to be less friendly if you wish and we will of course respect your boundaries.

You are not required to follow our social media accounts and we won’t ask our employees to temper themselves in the service of us. If they turn out to be racist, bigoted dipshits then we wanna know so we can tell them to go to hell.

Got it? Read it? Done it? WELL FUCKING DONE YOU! Celebrate your achievement with a gold star.